Is donor conception right for you?
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Before advertising: Is donor conception right for you?
Your decision to have children with the help of donated eggs, sperm, or embryos is a lifelong one. It will be the result of an extensive process of consultation and discussion with many people. Your fertility specialist and the counsellor at your clinic will provide you with information about using donor gametes (sperm or eggs) and can help you explore the associated social and emotional considerations.
Are you emotionally ready?
Before you make any decisions about donor conception, it is important that you have come to terms, as much as possible, with not being able to use your own eggs to have a child. Most people need time to grieve and to absorb what such a loss might entail for them and any potential child they may have, including physical resemblances and family history.
It is important that you feel confident you are able to love this child regardless of his or her genetic origins. You cannot expect your child to be comfortable about their conception if you are not. It is important for you and your child that you are positive and proud of the journey you took to create them.
Most non-biological parents will, at one time or another, think about what it means to parent a child with whom they have no genetic connection.
Dealing with this issue can be challenging, including for people in same-sex relationships. Some concerns are common to all couples, others more specific to one group or another.
One of the most common concerns shared by non-biological parents is whether or not they will bond with their baby. Most non-biological parents say, however, that once their baby is born, they are surprised by how easily and quickly they bond and how natural it feels.Many non-biological parents worry about their role in the family and, in particular, their role in relation to the child. This can be challenging for some people, especially in same-sex relationships, as there are no established societal norms for their relationship. Parents often overcome this by paying close attention to how much time they spend with the child and sharing the practical parenting responsibilities of feeding and caring. In some circumstances, families can arrange for both parents to work part-time and to share the primary-care role. Many of the anxieties experienced by non-biological parents reduce over time and parents often look back and realise their early worries are no longer relevant. It is helpful for people to talk about their concerns and anxieties with their partner – and with other parents – before the baby is born and in the first year of the baby's life. Acknowledgment and support from family and close friends can assist the non-biological parent feel secure in their role.Most same-sex parents say that while biology can be important it does not affect how they love their children. Gay fathers may not feel the anxieties associated with being a non-biological parent as keenly, or for as long, because they don’t have to deal with issues of pregnancy, birth and breast-feeding. For non-biological lesbian mothers, pregnancy, birth, and breast-feeding can sometimes be difficult and they may experience feelings of grief and loss or feel excluded. Once the child stops breast-feeding, they often say there is no longer any difference between them and they feel more secure in their role and in their relationship with their child.
Many recipient parents experience doubts. A common fear is that the donor will not be able to let go of parental responsibility and will want to intrude or interfere with your family. This concern is unfounded. Donors donate to help people become parents. Moreover, all donors have counselling to ensure they are aware that they have no legal rights or responsibilities in relation to the child and that the recipient parents are the legal parents, responsible for all parental decisions.
Many recipient parents experience similar fears and worries. You may benefit from talking to other parents who have donor-conceived children to gain some insight and support from them.
It is important that you feel confident you are able to love this child regardless of his or her genetic origins. You cannot expect your child to be comfortable about their conception if you are not. It is important for you and your child that you are positive and proud of the journey you took to create them.
Most non-biological parents will, at one time or another, think about what it means to parent a child with whom they have no genetic connection.
Dealing with this issue can be challenging, including for people in same-sex relationships. Some concerns are common to all couples, others more specific to one group or another.
One of the most common concerns shared by non-biological parents is whether or not they will bond with their baby. Most non-biological parents say, however, that once their baby is born, they are surprised by how easily and quickly they bond and how natural it feels.Many non-biological parents worry about their role in the family and, in particular, their role in relation to the child. This can be challenging for some people, especially in same-sex relationships, as there are no established societal norms for their relationship. Parents often overcome this by paying close attention to how much time they spend with the child and sharing the practical parenting responsibilities of feeding and caring. In some circumstances, families can arrange for both parents to work part-time and to share the primary-care role. Many of the anxieties experienced by non-biological parents reduce over time and parents often look back and realise their early worries are no longer relevant. It is helpful for people to talk about their concerns and anxieties with their partner – and with other parents – before the baby is born and in the first year of the baby's life. Acknowledgment and support from family and close friends can assist the non-biological parent feel secure in their role.Most same-sex parents say that while biology can be important it does not affect how they love their children. Gay fathers may not feel the anxieties associated with being a non-biological parent as keenly, or for as long, because they don’t have to deal with issues of pregnancy, birth and breast-feeding. For non-biological lesbian mothers, pregnancy, birth, and breast-feeding can sometimes be difficult and they may experience feelings of grief and loss or feel excluded. Once the child stops breast-feeding, they often say there is no longer any difference between them and they feel more secure in their role and in their relationship with their child.
Many recipient parents experience doubts. A common fear is that the donor will not be able to let go of parental responsibility and will want to intrude or interfere with your family. This concern is unfounded. Donors donate to help people become parents. Moreover, all donors have counselling to ensure they are aware that they have no legal rights or responsibilities in relation to the child and that the recipient parents are the legal parents, responsible for all parental decisions.
Many recipient parents experience similar fears and worries. You may benefit from talking to other parents who have donor-conceived children to gain some insight and support from them.
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Before using donated gametes, consider:
-What are your ideas about family? Is genetic connection a priority for you or are love, commitment and shared values more important?-What will the donor’s role be in relation to your child?-Who and what will you tell your family, friends and, most importantly, your child?-Understand the legal implications of your decision even if you already know the donor(s).-Consider that your child may want more information about their donor, or may want to contact them when they are older.-How will you feel if your child wants information about their donor or their half-siblings?
If any of this concerns you:
-Think more about what may be concerning you-Discuss this with your partner, close friends or family-Talk more with your donor (if they are known to you)-Explore issues further in counselling-Read relevant research and resources-Listen to personal stories by donor families-Contact a support group to talk to a parent of a donor-conceived child.
Once you are comfortable to proceed with donor conception, the next step is to find the right donor. There are a number of different options available and it is not necessary to go overseas. Consider not only what would meet your needs but most importantly those of the child to be born.
Ask yourself: ‘Can I imagine my child approving of our choice of donor and the way we have gone about this process?’
While treatment overseas may still involve the use of anonymous donation of eggs or sperm, it is not possible to use anonymous donor eggs or sperm in Australia.
Although anonymity may seem appealing, it is important to consider the impact of this on your potential child. With unknown donors, no further information or contact is possible between the donor and child. Consider that your child may want to know more about their biological and cultural background as well as their donor, whom they may want to meet when they are older.
The value of having information about your donor: https://www.varta.org.au/resources/personal-stories/value-having-information-about-your-donor
The text of the above article was sourced from VARTA: https://www.varta.org.au/information-support/donor-conception/parentsrecipients/donor-conception-right-me
If any of this concerns you:
-Think more about what may be concerning you-Discuss this with your partner, close friends or family-Talk more with your donor (if they are known to you)-Explore issues further in counselling-Read relevant research and resources-Listen to personal stories by donor families-Contact a support group to talk to a parent of a donor-conceived child.
Once you are comfortable to proceed with donor conception, the next step is to find the right donor. There are a number of different options available and it is not necessary to go overseas. Consider not only what would meet your needs but most importantly those of the child to be born.
Ask yourself: ‘Can I imagine my child approving of our choice of donor and the way we have gone about this process?’
While treatment overseas may still involve the use of anonymous donation of eggs or sperm, it is not possible to use anonymous donor eggs or sperm in Australia.
Although anonymity may seem appealing, it is important to consider the impact of this on your potential child. With unknown donors, no further information or contact is possible between the donor and child. Consider that your child may want to know more about their biological and cultural background as well as their donor, whom they may want to meet when they are older.
The value of having information about your donor: https://www.varta.org.au/resources/personal-stories/value-having-information-about-your-donor
The text of the above article was sourced from VARTA: https://www.varta.org.au/information-support/donor-conception/parentsrecipients/donor-conception-right-me
